I just cant understand ppl sometimes. why must ppl be so hypocritical? why must ppl be so self centered? you used not to be like that. but ever since you got wad you wanted and everything went well for you, you changed; drastically. we used to be so close, sharing every little secret. and now, its like your existence is just to provoke me and bring me down. every word you say hides a meaning of despise. i dunno why you changed to that, maybe you think that you're superior to me in many ways because you get all the attention. in the past you would still defend me, but now, you're just going along with them because you go with the crowd. there's more ppl there so you want to be on the winning side. but stop and think girl, that if you were in my shoes, would you have done the same thing? if not, something similar? be honest to yourself. you wun know how i've defended you and spoke up for you when ppl said nasty things about you. and i guess you wun know that up till now, i refuse to believe all those said about you.

you said you were disappointed with me. what's there to be disappointed about? i'm just making a choice for myself. i'm just going over to my boyfr.'s to stay and spend more time with him. yes its true that he has the same surname as me, but who said i didnt care? didnt call means dun care? then if you didnt call me, so i assume you dun care about me? but thats not the case because i know you do. i guess you will never understand me. i know i changed alot, but i'm certain i'm not doing any crime and there's no wrong to my actions. i never severe my ties with all of you. i never did anything of that sort. but you will never understand, cause to all of you, not staying at home means i'm abandoning you. what nonsense.

and you. i thought you were the one who understands me. but sometimes i really think you dun understand me. everytime i express my own opinion, we're bound to quarrel. i'm so sick of all these. i thought even if i lost the whole world, i'll still have you. but you just wanna pit yourself against me. you know sometimes words that you say hurt me so much. i know they're said in a moment of anger, but still, i feel the pain.

i feel so lonely. i feel so alone in this big big world. hais.

Been staying over at bii's house for the past few days. been thinking about alot of things, and suddenly i realised i am very disappointed in myself. why so, you might ask. well, there's quite a number of reasons for my self disappointment.

Firstly, i made a promise to myself that if given a second chance to study again, i would cherish this chance. and yet again and again, i failed even to fulfil the simplest task of being a student - to be present for every lecture and tutorial. sometimes i think, i really dunno how lucky i am. i really dunno how to cherish things that are precious to me until i lose them.

Secondly, i made a promise that i would slim down before Chinese New Year. well, i cant say i didnt put in any effort, but i cant say i gave it my best either. sometimes i think, what's the point of torturing myself just for the sake of beauty, but in my heart i jolly well know that this is a realistic and practical world, and appearance does matter a lot to many.

Thirdly, i made a silent promise that i would treat bii better, because i know its really hard to find someone that cares and loves me so much. but i dunno why, everyday i would just pick something to quarrel with him. be it maple, or just small little things. i once told him that quarrels and breakups result from the improper way of handling conflicts. and now i see the way we are now, we really arent handling things well. mayb its me, mayb its him, mayb its us. i really dunno what else to do already. i tried to control my temper already. mayb its the tone of communicating that really pisses me off sometimes. and from all these quarrels, it made me realise that i have to think not only about what he did wrong, but what i did wrong as well. as the saying goes, it takes 2 hands to clap. similarly, it takes 2 persons to start a quarrel and the same 2 persons to end it. i've learnt that both parties are wrong in a quarrel, and the important thing is to forgive and learn from mistakes. i do hope i am not too late in realising this, not to late to save my crumbling relationship.

Fourthly, i agreed to let bii create a new character in maple. partly because of the talk that night, and partly because i want him to be happy. but i dunno why everytime he plays that char, he is not happy at all. i know its because of my unreasonable-ness, which i dunno why i always fucking want to be jealous. i dunno i'm jealous of what, i dunno wad i am unhappy about, but i just feel all these negative thoughts whenever he plays maple. maybe i'm going crazy. maybe my depression is back. hais ~

Dun tell me anything related to maple. i hate it. it has already taken from me my most beloved, shifting his attention from me to that stupid game. playing game may be for fun, but we all know what extends can people go to when they are too engrossed in the game.

I have already tried my best. but my advice still failed. you have your own thinking, your own opinion. then i shall give up fighting for wad i really want............................................


i just hope things were like last time.......

I HATE MAPLE.

Feeling terribly lousy today. so many things happened. wad my family did, what happened between me and bii. my studies. all making me so fan ! SO FAN SO FAN ! arghhhhhhhhh feel like screaming out loud, on the other hand, feel like retreating to some place quiet where i can get my serenity back. everything is like going in fast-forward mode, bii is starting his FYP soon, and i start my dreaded chem lab next week.

I feel so rotten, just so useless, almost like i am a zombie everyday, doing the same old thing. sometimes i wonder, what is my purpose for living ? sometimes i feel like a wandering soul. hahs, guess ppl need some time to emo occasionally. and today's that day for me.


-EMO.

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