Been staying over at bii's house for the past few days. been thinking about alot of things, and suddenly i realised i am very disappointed in myself. why so, you might ask. well, there's quite a number of reasons for my self disappointment.

Firstly, i made a promise to myself that if given a second chance to study again, i would cherish this chance. and yet again and again, i failed even to fulfil the simplest task of being a student - to be present for every lecture and tutorial. sometimes i think, i really dunno how lucky i am. i really dunno how to cherish things that are precious to me until i lose them.

Secondly, i made a promise that i would slim down before Chinese New Year. well, i cant say i didnt put in any effort, but i cant say i gave it my best either. sometimes i think, what's the point of torturing myself just for the sake of beauty, but in my heart i jolly well know that this is a realistic and practical world, and appearance does matter a lot to many.

Thirdly, i made a silent promise that i would treat bii better, because i know its really hard to find someone that cares and loves me so much. but i dunno why, everyday i would just pick something to quarrel with him. be it maple, or just small little things. i once told him that quarrels and breakups result from the improper way of handling conflicts. and now i see the way we are now, we really arent handling things well. mayb its me, mayb its him, mayb its us. i really dunno what else to do already. i tried to control my temper already. mayb its the tone of communicating that really pisses me off sometimes. and from all these quarrels, it made me realise that i have to think not only about what he did wrong, but what i did wrong as well. as the saying goes, it takes 2 hands to clap. similarly, it takes 2 persons to start a quarrel and the same 2 persons to end it. i've learnt that both parties are wrong in a quarrel, and the important thing is to forgive and learn from mistakes. i do hope i am not too late in realising this, not to late to save my crumbling relationship.

Fourthly, i agreed to let bii create a new character in maple. partly because of the talk that night, and partly because i want him to be happy. but i dunno why everytime he plays that char, he is not happy at all. i know its because of my unreasonable-ness, which i dunno why i always fucking want to be jealous. i dunno i'm jealous of what, i dunno wad i am unhappy about, but i just feel all these negative thoughts whenever he plays maple. maybe i'm going crazy. maybe my depression is back. hais ~

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